My loved one has an eating disorder.
I will be honest. Writing this blog post is the first time I’ve entered the world and space occupied by eating disorders and disordered eating (yes, they are slightly different). It is not, however, the first time I’ve worked with, read about, heard about, or experienced aspects of Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge Eating Disorder, orthorexia, body dysmorphia, body image struggles, disordered eating habits and patterns, compulsive exercise…wow. That’s not even the whole list. And, let’s not forget, yo-yo dieting, habitual dieting, diet culture…once again. Wow again!
Maybe you identify with some of the terminology above. Maybe you struggle with symptoms of an eating disorder or disordered eating and/or exercise. Perhaps your “struggle” is just your normal! I get that. As normalized as diet and exercise challenges are these days, it’s hard to know what is problematic and what is just part of our daily routine.
If you have not experienced the challenges that accompany poor body image, restrictive eating, or over-exercising, chances are, you know someone who is challenged by these things. That someone may be a close friend, a coworker, or even a parent. What’s your role as you’re watching your person wrestle with such a basic, human need, such as eating? How do you help someone who has an injury due to over-exercise? What do you even say?
As a mental health professional who is also a human, I have come to realize that this topic of eating disorders is still fairly taboo.
The human part of me knows we all like image-related compliments. We all want to be “healthy.” There’s nothing wrong with working to achieve an exercise “goal.”
The counselor part of me knows complimenting weight loss often means complimenting food restriction and disordered eating behaviors. I know that “health” means so much more than the number on the scale. And I know compulsive exercise often covers a fear of feeling unworthy or a fear of being seen as “lazy.”
So, how do we help our people who are caught in this mucky middle?
Here are just a few of my raw thoughts:
- We empathize with the struggle. When we see those close to us struggling, it’s our natural response to want to rush in and rescue them. We want to fix it! We can come up with many suggestions, referrals, book recommendations, you-name-it. And…as we do this, we unintentionally invalidate our loved ones’ experiences. Stepping into the struggle you see in those stuck in the vicious cycle of eating disorder behaviors is what our friends and family most want and need, and often don’t know how to ask for. Some things you can say:
- I can see this is so hard for you. I don’t want you to feel alone in it.
- Is there something you need from me?
- I want to support you. Please let me know if you are looking for advice or just someone to listen and be with you.
- If you ever want to seek more professional help, I am here with you.
- We learn about ourselves. How am I affected by this person’s behavior? What does it mean about me that my loved one is stuck? Do my own values and expectations of health and food and body movement make it difficult for me to see him/her/they struggle? When we are able to take a step back and look at what we feel, think, and do in response to what another person feels, thinks, and does, we learn a whole lot about ourselves. And the reality is, we can really only change us.
- We ask for help. “What?! I am not the one who needs help!” “I don’t have a problem. My life is just fine the way it is.” The problem is so-and-so. Or, “The problem is their problem and the way it affects me.” Watching someone battle an eating disorder can be exhausting. We can get caught in the trap of monitoring behavior, cheerleading, playing “bad cop,” or just feeling paralyzed knowing which move to make next. We need help in order to help.
If you have a loved one struggling with disordered eating behaviors, consider joining my Eating Disorder Coaching Group. This group is designed for you – to teach us all how to walk alongside someone as they move toward full recovery. When you feel supported and encouraged, you can offer that support and encouragement to those around you. And that’s how we help.
Written by Lauren Eisleben